Biker Jokes

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuc k doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decid es to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

Happily Married Biker

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Pick-up lines you might want to avoid using at the local biker bar!

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

If you’re right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Bra sizes defined by bikers

Did you ever wonder why A, B, C, D, E, & F are used to define bra sizes?

   A - Almost boobs
   B - Barely there
   C - Can do
   D - Darn good
   E - Enormous
   F - Fake

Anniversary Gifts

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, & a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring & a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, & she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls & a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, & she would have known that I loved her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, & said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt & a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself."

Biker Corruption Test:

Ever laughed at someone else's misfortune? 1 point

Ever tried alcohol? 1 point

Ever been drunk? 2 points

Ever play drinking games? 2 points

Ever fall down because you drank too much? 3 points

Ever drink enough to throw up? 4 points

bonus: throwing up on yourself or another person 1 point

Ever wake up and not remember what you did the night before? 5 points

Ever been forcibly removed from a bar? 8 points

Ever participated in/finished a pub crawl? 5 points

Do you drink regularly, at least 3 times a week? 3 points

bonus: 1 point for each additional day (max. 7 points)

Ever fall asleep/pass out in a bar? 4 points

Ever try pot, hash, magic mushrooms? 4 points for each one tried

Do you do drugs regularly? 4 points

bonus: at least 4 times a week? 4 points

Ever bought soft drugs? 4 points

Ever sell drugs? 8 points

Ever sell drugs to support a drug habit? 12 points

Ever used barbiturates? 8 points

Ever used hallucinogens? 8 points

Ever used narcotics? 10 points

Ever been stoned or drunk for more than 48 hours? 8 points

Ever been on a date? 2 points

Ever been felt up, groped? 2 points

bonus: to orgasm? 2 points

Ever had sexual intercourse? 6 points

bonus: on 1st date? 2 points

Ever had a bath or shower with the opposite sex? 5 points

Ever paid for sex? 8 points

Ever taken advantage of someone while they were stoned or drunk? 4 points

Ever get someone stoned or drunk to obtain sexual favors and succeed? 8 points

Ever engage in oral sex? 4 points

bonus: to orgasm? 2 points

Ever engage in anal sex? 6 points

bonus: to orgasm? 2 points

Ever engage in the 69 position? 4 points

Ever contract an STD? 12 points

Ever had sex without a contraceptive? 4 points

Ever had or knowingly been responsible for an abortion? 12 points

Ever had sex with two or more partners in a week? 4 points

Ever had sex with more than one person at a time? 9 points

Ever had sex in a public place? 6 points

Ever had carpet burns in relation to a sexual act? 4 points

Ever engage in sexual activity with a member of the same sex? 10 points

Ever practiced bondage, masochism, or sadism for sexual gratification? 8 points

Ever used sex toys? 6 points

Ever pass out during sex? 5 points

Ever been responsible for losing someone else's virginity? 4 points

Ever masturbated while talking on the phone? 3 points

Ever bought something in a sex shop? 3 points

Ever licked or have someone lick:

an eyeball--1 point

toes---2 points

ears---1 point

Ever have sex with a relative? 5 points

Ever make someone sleep in the wet spot? 6 points

Does necrophilia, pedophilia, or beastiality turn you on? 20 points

Ever been arrested? 8 points

bonus: If convicted - 7 points

SCORING

0-20 A life with the church is too corrupt for you.

21-40 You barely make our scale.

41-60 Approaching normal, you aren't much fun on a date.

61-100 Normal, you use your right hand like everyone else.

101-130 Above average, you've got a few tricks below the belt.

131-160 You're enjoying life to the max.

161-200 You're a danger to society. Who let you out on a day pass?

200+ You're going straight to hell!

Biker Chick Blow job Etiquette

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls- if your that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

Old Married Bikers

A biker & his wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little teddy that she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband & says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looks up at her & says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods & says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what is it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits & screw your brains out."

She giggles & says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks her up & down & finally replies, "Mission Accomplished."

Budwiser

A straight, citizen-type woman walks into the local scooter tramp bar, sits down at a table, orders a Budweiser and drinks it down immediately.

She orders a total of 9 more, and downs each one of those the same way, and passes out, face first on the table.

Sneaky Pete, the bartender, and Whiteliner, a regular customer, were the only ones in the place so, Sneaky Pete suggests that they take her to the back room, have their way with her then, prop her back at the table when they are done as if nothing had happened.

They laid her head softly on the table and returned to their places at the bar just as she woke up, she paid her tab, and left.

The next night, dead as the previous one, the same straight, citizen-type woman walks in, orders a Budweiser, drinks it down immediately and orders a total of 9 more, and downs each one of those the same way, and passes out again, face first on the table. Sneaky Pete and Whiteliner end up having a repeat performance of the night before. When finished, they laid her head softly on the table and returned to their places at the bar just as she woke up, she paid her tab, and left, same as the night before.

The third night Sneaky Pete and Whiteliner are sitting alone in the bar when who should walk in?

Yep, the same straight, citizen-type woman walks in, orders a Miller Light.

Dumbfounded, Sneaky Pete asks her, "I thought you drank Budweiser?".

The straight, citizen-type woman replies, "I had to quit drinking that stuff, it makes my box hurt".

Why men are rarely published in "Dear Abby"

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on
what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on

me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs
up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently
although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends
from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for
her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although
I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car
round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she
went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached
the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to
know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to
really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to
the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of
the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment,
crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on
my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can
fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

Biker uses Viagra

Crash, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three biker babes coming over tonight. I've never had three biker babes at once, & I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer & takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" & says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The next day, Crash rides down to the same pharmacy, walks right up to the same pharmacist & pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that Crash's Johnson is black & blue with the skin hanging off in some places.

Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on
your dick while it's in that condition?"

Crash says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

Count Down

If you are sitting next to someone that is irritatating you on a plane, train, or a bus...

1. Quietly, and calmly open your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Boot it up.

4. Make sure the aggrivating person can see the screen.

5. Open your e-mail to this message.

6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

7. Then hit this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

Password

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter PENIS.

Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password.

She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ****

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back

10. Afraid it will invalidate warranty.

9. Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise arm.

8. Refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.

7. Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.

6. Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.

5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.

4. Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by Honda.

3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.

2. Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet.

1. They're too tired from spending hours polishing all that chrome to lift their arms.

Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back

10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.

9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.

8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.

7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.

6. The espresso machine just finished.

5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved.

4. Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer.

3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.

2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature, and satellite navigation system.

1. Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on dashboard.

Top 10 Reasons Sport bikers Don't Wave

10. They have not been riding long enough to know they're supposed to.

9. They're going too fast to have time enough to register the movement and respond.

8. You weren't wearing bright enough gear.

7. If they stick their arm out going that fast they'll rip it out of the socket.

6. They're too occupied with trying to get rid of their chicken strips.

5. They look way too cool with both hands on the bars or they don't want to unbalance themselves while standing on the tank.

4. Their skin tight-kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suits prevent any position other than fetal.

3. Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank tops.

2. It's too hard to do one-handed stoppies.

1. They were too busy slipping their flip-flops back on.

Top Ten Reasons Why BMW Riders Don't Wave Back

10. New Aerostich suit too stiff to raise arm.

9. Removing a hand from the bars is considered "bad form."

8. Your bike isn't weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement.

7. Too sore from an 800-mile day on a stock "comfort" seat.

6. Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to ipod, XM, or talking on the cell phone.

5. He's an Iron Butt rider and you're not!

4. Wires from Gerbings are too short.

3. You're not riding the "right kind" of BMW.

2. You haven't been properly introduced.

1. Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture.

Southern Biker

A southern biker was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing.
A Game Warden sneaked up on him and asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir," replied the biker. "I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

The biker looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth,
Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."

"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The biker poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

Well, what?," says the biker.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

The FISH," replied the warden.

"What fish?" replied the biker.

Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees